


Fear, Itself

by Thraceadams



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: BAMF Stiles Stilinski, Community: cottoncandy_bingo, Future Fic, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Original Character Death(s), alpha pack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-10
Updated: 2012-10-10
Packaged: 2017-11-16 00:51:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thraceadams/pseuds/Thraceadams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I must not fear.</i><br/>Fear is the mind-killer.</p><p> </p><p>This is Stiles' mantra as he faces the Alpha of the alpha pack, because he is the only one left.  Their alpha is down.  <i>Derek</i> is down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear, Itself

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to **aislinntlc** for the beta! Any remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> As usual, I kind of played with mountain ash/wolfsbane properties to suit my needs. That's how I roll.
> 
>  
> 
> EDITED: (Thanks to Bleep0Bleep for use of her disclaimer)
> 
> **This work is intended for the private enjoyment of the reader. I do not give permission to this work being shared with or read aloud by the press, or anyone working on said production of Teen Wolf, including but not limited to cast, crew, writers, or producers. I also do not give permission to share this work on third-party websites such as Goodreads, which I believe is a resource intended for published works outside of fandom.**

**

Fear,Itself

**

_I must not fear._  
_Fear is the mind-killer._  
_Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration._  
_I will face my fear._  
_I will permit it to pass over me and through me._  
_And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path._  
_Where the fear has gone there will be nothing._  
_Only I will remain._

**The Bene Gesserit litany against fear** from Frank Herbert's _Dune_

 

Stiles repeated the mantra in his head. Yeah, he knew he was a geek, but whatever, it made him feel better. He clutched the bat in his hands tighter, his hands slick with sweat, and he chewed his bottom lip, really hoping the pounding of his heart wasn't too loud. 

Derek was down, he was healing but he was down and the rest were all engaged, too busy to come over and help. So that left Stiles, the lone human, clutching a mountain ash baseball bat seasoned with wolfsbane, as the last defense their alpha had against the alpha of the alpha pack. That didn't even make sense in Stiles' head, but there it was. 

It didn't help that he hadn't even been invited to this fight, that Derek had been struck down because he'd been distracted when Stiles arrived. And they were going to have so many words about that later, both the noninvite and the being distracted thing, because really? What was that?

Plus, add in the fact that he and Derek had been arguing, _fighting_ , before this started going down and Stiles was good and angry. The alpha took a step closer and Stiles laughed, a bitter angry sound.

"Don't even think about it. I may be just a puny human to you, but I've got anger on my side. So much anger you can't even imagine. At you, at him, at this whole fucked up situation."

"You really think you can take me? You're nothing but a child. I've already bested your alpha. What makes you think I won't just bite you and make you mine, make you submit to me, maybe even make you fight him to the death? Huh?" The alpha sneered.

Stiles raised the bat. "Come on!" He shouted. "Try me. I may be pissed at him, but he's MINE to be pissed at, MINE to yell at, MINE to hit. NOT YOURS. So come on, come at me, because I've been waiting to do something like this for a really long time. I'm itching for a fight, so bring it you big hairy asshole!"

Stiles' eyes never wavered from the alpha and suddenly it lunged forward and Stiles swung, a hard crack echoing through the room as the bat connected right with the side of the alpha werewolf's head, the wound smoking. It whimpered but kept coming so Stiles hit it again. It slumped to the floor and Stiles didn't let up. He just kept lifting the bat and bringing it down, each crack sending a thrill of satisfaction thrumming through his body and a puff of smoke into the air. 

"You don't get to come into my town and even think about taking it over. This town is mine. The people are mine. The Sheriff is mine. This pack is mine. You need to get out and don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out. And while you're there? Spread the word. Beacon Hills is off limits. No more. Got that? No more hunters, no more alphas, no more lizard people. NO MORE!"

He punctuated each sentence with a swing of his bat, not even thinking anymore, just feeling, the anger flowing through him, the rage literally making him see red. He swung until the sweat was dripping off him and his arms were shaking. It wasn't until strong arms wrapped around him from behind and another pair tried to pull the bat from his grasp that he even realized the alpha was dead. He fought their grip for a second and Boyd's voice sounded soft in his ear. 

"Hey buddy, it's over. Derek's safe. You can let go."

His fingers felt stiff as a pair of hands gently unwrapped them from the bat and it slipped out of his grasp. "No," he whined.

"Shh, I got you," Boyd whispered.

Stiles went limp and Boyd carried him over to where Erica was lying on the ground. She curled around him, her arms going around his chest and pulling him close. She breathed into his hair and Stiles could smell her perfume, the scent of jasmine and vanilla comforting. Within a few moments, Derek was added to their embrace and instinctively Stiles burrowed into his chest. Derek's earthy scent of pine and smoke washed over him, mixing with Erica's and calming the itchiness Stiles felt under his skin. A blanket was placed over them and Stiles slipped into the darkness.

*******

"I've never seen him like that."

"He whaled on that dude."

"What happened? I mean why'd he do that?"

"He was working out some issues." 

That voice, that one right there. Stiles opened his eyes slowly, found Derek staring at him so he stared right back. Actually, he glared right back because he was still pissed at Derek. At least Derek had the balls to look away; it gave Stiles a feeling of smug satisfaction and he closed his eyes again.

They let him fake sleep for another thirty minutes or so before Erica nudged him with her foot. "We know you're awake. Come on, time to wakey wakey and get cleaned up."

Stiles growled at her but stretched and stood up, grimacing at the tightness of his skin, only belatedly realizing it was because he was covered in dried blood. Dried werewolf blood. He looked down at himself, his clothes were stiff and dark with dried blood. His hands were rust colored and he could feel the spatters on his face. He must have looked like an extra from some slasher movie. 

Clenching his hand into a fist as he felt it start to shake, he furtively glanced around the room, eyes zeroing in on the dark red stain on the floor. "Is that…"

Erica nodded quickly, her eyes flashing amber for a split second. "Come on, I'll show you where you can get cleaned up."

She reached out and wrapped a hand around his wrist and he jerked it out of her grasp. "Don't touch me!"

"Stiles."

Stiles closed his eyes. He couldn't do this. His chest felt tight, everything felt close, his heart was pounding painfully in his chest. He tried desperately to breathe, to take in big gulps of air, but the pain in his chest was too much and he could only manage a few shallow breaths. "Don't," he gasped breathlessly.

"Stiles." The voice sounded closer.

Biting down hard on his lip, Stiles held out a hand in front of him. "Don't!"

"Stiles."

Derek's voice washed over him and Stiles fought the rising panic. He tried to slow his breathing, tried to slow his heart, but then Derek was there and all he could smell was Derek and all he could see was this red haze. 

"Don't," he protested, balling his hand up into a fist and thumping it against Derek's chest. That was all it took, just that one touch and he let go. He flailed against Derek's chest, punching him, hitting him, letting all the rage and fear and hysteria out until Derek was holding him close, whispering soothing words in his ear and Stiles was slumped against his chest, a weak, wet, emotionally drained mess.

He barely registered Derek gently leading him toward the shower Boyd'd hooked up. He stood motionless as Derek peeled his clothes off, layer by layer, until he was shivering slightly in the chilled air. It didn't even occur to him to be embarrassed about being naked in front of the others.

"They aren't here," Derek said, as if he'd read Stiles' mind. 

The water was turned on and Derek pushed him under it. It was warmer than he expected, not as warm as he would have liked, but warm enough. 

"I'm gonna shampoo your hair now, okay?" Derek said softly.

Stiles didn't even nod. He just bent his head forward and closed his eyes. He could hear someone making little noises as Derek's hands rubbed and scratched over his scalp and it wasn't until Derek was rinsing his hair that he realized the sounds were coming from him. 

He blinked up at Derek through the water streaming down his face. Derek bent down and kissed his forehead. 

"Come on, let me get the rest of you cleaned up."

Stiles let Derek manhandle him back under the water, stood still while Derek soaped up his limbs and scrubbed his chest. 

"I killed somebody."

"What?"

"I killed somebody," Stiles said, pointing at the rust-colored soapy water circling the drain. "You're washing someone's life away." He could feel the panic rising inside him again, his heart pounding, his chest tightening, his lungs fighting for air. "I killed someone."

Derek's hands tightened on his shoulders, shaking him gently. "Yeah, you did. But you did it out of self-defense. He was going to kill me. You saved me and you saved the pack. You did that, nobody else. It was a kill or be killed situation and you saved us."

Stiles went silent again, taking in Derek's words as Derek turned him and scrubbed his back and moved down to his legs. "I'm not useless."

"I never said you were." Derek tapped his foot and Stiles reached out to grasp his shoulder for balance as he lifted his foot for Derek to wash.

"Might as well have," Stiles said, and he felt Derek's shoulder go stiff under his hand. He lifted his other foot for Derek and didn't complain when the scrubbing got rough.

"I'm sorry." 

Stiles dug his nails into Derek's shoulder as Derek bent down further and kissed the top of his foot. 

"I shouldn't have said what I did." 

Stiles chest went tight as he tried to take a breath when Derek bent over and kissed his other foot. His heart raced inside as Derek moved up, kissing each shin and then each knee, a whispered 'I'm sorry' said before each one.

"I was scared," was breathed out against the skin of his hip before Derek sucked up a mark. "I can't lose you," was said with a kiss placed to his rib cage. "Not like everyone else," was muttered out before lips dragged over his nipple and teeth gently bit down.

Stiles dropped his hands into Derek's hair, clutching at him, his chest heaving. "Don't leave me." The plea was so quiet that Stiles wasn't sure he'd actually said it out loud.

Derek surged up, wrapping his arms around Stiles' back, pulling Stiles' head into his neck and holding it there. "Never."

They stood wrapped in each other's arms under the warm spray of the water until Derek's limited water supply started to run cold and Stiles started to shiver. Derek shut the water off and snagged a towel, wrapping it around Stiles and rubbing him dry. 

"Come on, I've got some clothes you can put on."

He guided Stiles over to the subway car. 

"Stay here."

Within moments Derek was back with a clean shirt, clean boxers, and a clean pair of sweats. He helped Stiles get the clothing on before drying himself off and getting dressed. 

"Can you take me home?"

Without a word, Derek grabbed his keys and dropped a protective arm around his shoulders and led him out to the car. Stiles knew they walked by the rest of the pack on their way out, he could feel their eyes on him, but Derek must have shot them a look or something because they were keeping their distance. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. He needed something but he didn't know what.

The drive to his house was quiet, he was too much in his head to talk and Derek never really said much anyway. He was relieved to see the driveway empty, there was no way he would have been able to face his Dad right now, not when he had blood on his hands.

Speaking of hands, he lifted his to look at them, didn't even realize how much they were shaking until Derek grabbed both of them with one of his. "Stop thinking so much. You did what you had to in order to keep all of us safe. That's what matters. _That's_ what counts. You _saved_ us. I'm never going to let you forget that."

Stiles nodded and licked his lips nervously. "Please stay."

Derek leaned over and kissed the side of his head. "Wasn't planning on going anywhere. Let's get inside, you need some sleep."

"And another shower."

"No, Stiles, you're clean enough. Now get out of the car."

Stiles opened the door and stood there breathing in the night air, air that didn’t smell like blood or death. He lifted his hand to his nose and inhaled. He couldn't smell it on his hands either, but they still itched, still felt like he needed to wash them.

"Stiles."

"Yeah, I'm coming."

He shut the door and followed Derek up the drive and into his house. It never even occurred to him to take the lead. Derek led him up the stairs and into his room. 

"Need to shower," he mumbled.

Derek pulled him into his arms, rubbing up and down his back. "You're clean enough Stiles, you have nothing to wash off."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay." Stiles pulled off the shirt and stepped out of the sweat pants, leaving both in a heap on the floor . He slid between the sheets and pulled them up to his chin. "Stay?"

Derek shucked his jeans off, pulled his shirt over his head and got into the bed behind Stiles. He pushed and shoved until he was spooned behind Stiles and draped over him like an octopus. But being caged in by Derek's ridiculously muscular form settled something inside Stiles. He no longer felt the need to go wash his hands in scalding hot water or run down to the station and confess his sins to his father.

Lips pressed against the back of his neck and Derek whispered into his ear, comforting, soothing words that lulled him into a dreamlike state. He wasn't sleeping but he wasn't awake either.

"I need you, don't ever leave me."

Eyes blinking into the darkness, Stiles woke up. He could feel the protective urge rise in him again at Derek's words. The urge that had driven him to stand up against the alpha, to beat him to death. Suddenly, it all made sense to him. Why he'd done what he'd did. The argument they'd had earlier didn't matter anymore, maybe it never did. His anger at Derek was long gone, batted away with the death of the alpha, washed away in bloody water.

He'd killed to protect his pack, his family. The alpha was the enemy and he had nothing to be ashamed of. He'd always feel an ache over the fact that he'd killed another living person? Being? Human? That was something he'd carry with him forever, that knowledge, that sadness. But he wasn't going to be ashamed of protecting what was his, of keeping what he loved safe. And Derek was his, just as he was Derek's. _Mates_. The word echoed through his head. He'd killed to protect his mate and their family, and deep down he knew he'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Stiles dropped his hand down to where Derek's hand was resting on his stomach and he laced their fingers together. He pulled it up to his mouth and kissed each one of Derek's fingers. "Never, I'll never leave you."

**

The End

**

**Author's Note:**

>  **Disclaimers/Archive:** These people are NOT mine. The characters of Teen Wolf were created by Jeff Davis and I'm just playing in his sandbox for fun. I promise I'll return them in pristine condition when I'm done :D PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT tweet the actors or the show's creators a link to this, tweet their friends or relatives a link to this, or in any other way let them know this fic even exists. If you would like to make one copy for your own personal use, that is fine, please do not redistribute, copy, or in any way claim as your own.
> 
> This fills the "Kiss (not on lips/face)" square for my Cotton Candy Bingo card on Dreamwidth.
> 
> Finally, this is for the Wolfpacking Fear Challenge over at  livejournal.
> 
> And thank you to nightfog for my very own Wolfpacking banner - two actually - THANK YOU :D  
>  
> 
> [](http://photobucket.com)  
> [](http://photobucket.com)


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